Wait...Weight?!? (Part 1 of Who Knows)

I've been writing this post for a few weeks and haven't been fully ready to share because I'm not sure I'm all done wrestling...and it feels a little too vulnerable to put this out for the world to read when I'm not completely certain I'm ready for a dialogue. BUT...as I've been processing it, I've felt less ashamed to invite others in and have found that I'm not alone in this weird, sad, painful wrestling match. And so I thought, maybe we could fight this thing together...whaddya say?

I've been wrestling with this whole body image thing lately. Which is frustrating for so many reasons: not the least of which is that I feel like this is something I should have conquered (or pushed past) as a teenager...or at least in my twenties. But that doesn't seem to be the case.

I have battled with my weight for years. Battled in the loosest sense of the word since I haven't done much to make great choices. I hated exercise and really liked delicious things like butter and cookies and mcnuggets.

And these decisions have been evident in my appearance.

In April, I decided to make a commitment to Whole 30. It turned out to be one of the craziest months I've had in years (both at home and at work), so there were many days I wanted to drive through McDonald's for a milkshake on my way home or order pizza for dinner because I was too tired to cook. But, I made it all the way through the month with only two hiccups and felt great.

I felt so confident in my ability (and desire) to make better decisions. I had more energy and could feel the difference in my eating habits, in my food choices and cravings--even my brain felt less foggy.

I also have nearly half a closet of clothes back(!!)

Though I am not the picture of health, nor am I at the ideal weight for my height, (and I have yet to lose my appetite for cookies or mcnuggets) I am not where I used to be...and I hope to continue to move toward health, not fall back to my old habits.

The other night, after a fight with my friend over what she wanted me to wear (sometimes we revert back to high school: raiding each others closets to choose outfits for ourselves and for one another), I realized that I may have a skewed version of myself in my head.

I still picture myself as a very heavy girl. I still lean toward baggy dresses (to hide my stomach and hips), long skirts (to cover my legs) and sweaters (to be sure my bingo arms are completely out of sight.)

The more I thought about this, the more I began to recall things people have said to me (or about me) over the years. People I had trusted, (and eventually learned that I shouldn't have) whose words carried--for lack of a better term--weight in my belief about who I am and how I appear.

I realized, though these people are no longer in my life, their words and opinions are with me everyday...many of them still the loudest voices shaping my self-image.

I'm starting to wonder if maybe, just maybe, not all of what they said is true.
And, if that's the case...it's about dang time I weed out those lies.