Thursday, March 26, 2009

PDYM Day 3

Tonight's session was split in to three pieces:
1) Identity
2) Confession
3) Celebration

Here's what I wrote for the identity piece...

Most days, I wake up and try to “dress the part”. I’m not totally sure what exactly my “part” is…it feels like it changes all the time. I have all of these personas in my routine and I can’t figure out how to merge them in to one…

I want to be fun. I want to be relevant. I want to be captivating. I want to be someone who inspires change, inspires passion. I want to be entertaining. I want to ask insightful questions. I want to be articulate. I want to be clever.

I want to be smart. I want to be wise.
I want to be classy.
I want to be stylish…and a little bit nerdy.

I want to be a good daughter.
A good friend.
A great youth worker.

I want to be someone who can put people before my task list…

I want to be gentle. I want to be meek.
I want to be someone who challenges others to do great things.
I want to be creative and artistic.

I want people to think I’m worth keeping around, that I’m a valuable part of the group.

I want to be known as the girl who always comes in under budget.
I want to produce events and programs that are fresh and exciting.

I want to have it all together…or at least appear that way to the people that keep me employed.

I want students to like me.
I want my boss to like me.
I want my dad to like me.
I want to like me.
I want to be myself, but am not sure I know who I am yet.

How can I be all of these things all of the time?
They’re all pretty good things, so which do I stop trying for?
Which get lost in the shaping of me?
Which are worth hanging on to…worth striving for?

Any chance it’s possible to be all of it…if I try hard enough?

If I spend all of my time trying to become this other person, do I miss out on who I already am? Do I miss out how becoming who God made me to be?

I put unrealistic expectations on myself everyday.
It is impossible to try to be all of these things and not come up short every time.

How can I be so aware that I am a people-pleaser and so unable to fight the urge to please?

How do I find some consistency in who I am?
How can I be the same person with my friends, with my family, with my students?

People ask “who are you when nobody’s watching?” like that’s supposed to convict me…
but, honestly, I like that person more than the girl who is constantly trying to perform,
trying to prove her value,
trying to get a laugh…

deep down, I really do like me…I just want to make sure everyone else does, too…

So…what do I do?


Michael Norman said...

This put a smile on my face and a tear in my eye.
I hear you...

Julie Hibbard said...

You are now officially an adult. It happens when you realize that you do, indeed, get to choose who you are, what you project to others and continually strive to merge these two.
As long as that person who sits alone in her room watching TV on DVD is pleased with that person who is on stage giving lessons at church--and vice versa--you are doing just fine.
You are 'GREAT self esteem' personified to me.
If I wasn't so proud--I'd be envious.
Love you.

Lisa Marie said...

This seals it. We ARE the same person. Thanks for so clearly articulating pieces of my thoughts and questions. I think you're great :)

TS Harrison said...

My favorite post.
I would suspect that so many are able to empathize with these words. Certainly they have captured much of how I feel and struggle to communicate.
And while we don't really know each other Alli, I do like you. So spend just an ounce of your day knowing you have one less person to please and bask in that small ray of light.