Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I Think About It Over and Over Again

I've had a difficult time living an Orange County life in the last month or so.

I have wrestled with whether or not to write about this, but I can't shake it, so I figured I'd try getting it out in writing. Bear with me because I'm not sure what to do with these thoughts on my own, let alone what I'm expecting you to do with them.

Every once-in-a-while, throughout the course of a day, I will think:
"I'm _________ {sitting on a comfy couch, watching youtube videos} and there are other people--children even-- _______ {stuck in rubble under collapsed buildings, being forced to perform sexual acts for little-to-no-money}."

It's making my stomach churn thinking about it right now.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's wrong to have a comfy couch, or to watch youtube videos...I'm simply saying there is something in the juxtaposition of those two lives, those two worlds, those two circumstances that is just internally destroying me.

The other night, I thought about sleeping outside just to be in camaraderie with the hundreds of thousands of Haitians that are sleeping on blankets and mats in the streets, but I chickened-out because I was afraid of being attacked in the middle of the night.

I don't know what to do.
I know I can't do nothing.

Now I'm crying on the couch in my living room...
What do I tell my roommate when she comes in?

"Oh, I'm crying about sex-trafficked children..."

It's something worth crying about, that's for sure...but it's so awkward to cry about it at 9:22 on a Tuesday evening, sitting alone in your house.

I know I'm not the first to feel this.
I know I am certainly not the last.


If I'm completely honest, I am super afraid.

I'm afraid to read or learn any more about these atrocities because I can't be anymore destroyed than I am right now. I still need to function {at least a little} in my day-to-day life and with anything more specific {stories, names, faces}, I'm not sure I'll be able to breathe.

But there is something in the fact that it haunts me like this.

I just know that the fact that I want to turn it off so badly means that I absolutely can not. Should not. Will not.

So, there you go.
Where do I go from here?


S. said...

Pray and listen....God will tell you what you need to do...what your role needs to be...

That's the best I have for you....

Susie A.

Julie Hibbard said...

Wow...you have done so much for so many in your lifetime...you have made huge changes and contributions.
Perhaps it's your time to sit and listen and figure it all out.
Yep, even from the comfort of your warm home...
You make me want to be a better person. SERIOUSLY!!!!

Matthew Jensen said...

If people reading your blog don't understand the word Juxtaposition, well, then they shouldn't be reading your blog.